Anne B. Real
I know when you’re
watching a list of 100 bad movies that pre-judging a film can be quite hard
sometimes, but I honestly do try to go into these films with an open mind. Ok,
so sometimes that’s impossible if you notice that the director is Uwe Boll (see
here and here) or perhaps it has Madonna in one of the lead roles (see here),
but when I read the plot summary on IMDB I hated this movie more than any of
those. Perhaps this is unfair, after all IMDB users write all the summaries,
but when a movie is described as “the coming of age
story of a young female rapper, who finds her inspiration by reading the Diary
of Anne Frank.” I found it incredibly hard to even press play on the DVD
player. So what was it really like?
Before Cynthia’s father (David Zayas) died
he gave her a copy of The Diary of Anne Frank. Now Cynthia (Janice (J Nyce)
Richardson) spends her time outside of school reading the book and writing rap
lyrics, which she only dares practice in front of the bathroom mirror. Her
junkie/dealer brother Juan (Carlos Leon) is selling these lyrics behind her back
to wannabe rapper Deuce (Eric Smith) who is claiming them as his own though. As
Cynthia’s life becomes more chaotic, with one of friends being murdered and
another getting shot by accident, she realizes (with the help of Anne Franks
words), that she has to take responsibility for her own future and face her
fears if she wants to live her dream of being a rapper. I on the other hand,
ponder whether hiding from Colin in the attic just to get out of watching
anymore of these dreadful movies is a viable option…
When you have a movie
about someone trying to break from their humdrum life and get their break in
the rap industry it’s practically impossible not to compare it to 8 Mile (or as
it was known to a European audience, 1.609 Kilometre). In fact the makers of
this movie are so proud of this comparison that they even use a review from
IMDB on the front cover of the DVD, which proclaims Anne B. Real as “A More
Intense 8 Mile”. It’s definitely a novel idea taking a review from IMDB and
using that instead of from respected film magazines or newspapers that I’m just
sad they didn’t take it further.
So for the next
edition of the movie to be released, can I suggest these quotes for the front
cover so they can REALLY sell this movie? Firstly they could use “This is a pretty good movie. I borrowed this from my Aunt, and I
wound up really liking it”. Maybe
a random IMDB user doesn’t have the same industry respect as say Total Film or
Empire, but who hasn’t borrowed a movie from their aunt and loved it at some
point? Also why not use “Literature and rap - who'd a
thunk it?” although that may
confuse potential viewers into thinking this is an MC Lars biopic. Perhaps they
could use “none of the usual racist slang and filthy
language” to reassure people that this movie is in no way a reflection of real
life? Or my particular favourite “well I late to work it's 4:32 and I'm
supposed to be there at 5:00”. This reviewer loved the movie so much they were
late to work so they could tell you all about it. You don’t get that level of
passion from a Mark Kermode review.
Using non-professional
reviews may be the best way to recommend this movie as I think the best way to
describe Anne B Real really is amateurish. Everything about this movie makes it
look like it was filmed as a college movie project. The actors in general don’t
look like they’ve made it past the point in acting class where you pretend you’re
a tree, which is a nice irony as this movie is as slow paced as an Ent, with
Richardson in particular putting in an uninspiring performance. She comes
across as though she’s auditioning to be in the next Kevin and Perry movie,
moping around like a stroppy teenager only coming alive when she raps (which
apparently is something she learned how to do for this movie so kudos is
deserved there). Shockingly she won a few awards at film festivals for her
performance, which makes me wonder if any of the movies showing at them are
coming up on our list soon.
Honestly it’d be an
easy joke to say that this movie puts the “rap” into crap (which is exactly why
I said it), but being a movie about rapping you have to wonder why there is so
little of it. Cynthia has one poem that she constantly tries to write and
rewrite throughout the movie, and the only real time she actually raps is right
at the end of the movie. In a strange way this movie reminds me of Ghost Dog:
The Way of the Samurai. Both films have the lead reading inspiring quotes from
the book that shapes them into the person they are, however Ghost Dog had a
soundtrack produced by RZA (from the Wu Tang Clan), which is something Anne B.
Real badly needs (it actually does have songs by A Tribe Called Quest and KRS-One on the
soundtrack, but even these struggle to bring life to the movie).
Part of the reason why
there isn’t much rap in this film may be down to director Lisa France wanting
to make a film that was PG friendly. Whilst this may not be very realistic in
either it’s portrayal of real life or of hip hop in general (I know there are
plenty of intelligent, positive, inspirational rappers out there, but there’s
many more who’s lyrics would make your granny blush if she could keep up with
them), it is a nice sentiment. Unfortunately the movie does suffer from it, in
that it seems like it’s the worlds only urban made for TV movie.
The story itself had
the potential to make a decent movie and I liked some of the ideas, however
this movie is ultimately lifeless. If it inspires anyone to go out and read The
Diary of Anne Frank then that’s brilliant though, so hopefully some good has
come from this movie being made. Unfortunately this movie is more diarrhea than
diary though. It’s boring, predictable and skims past anything that is too
challenging. 8 Mile? This movie is barely 8 Mil.
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