#54 Miss Cast Away (Wes)

Miss Cast Away and the Island Girls

Like Uwe Boll, if I see the name Eric Roberts attached to a movie I know it’s probably going to be a bit rubbish (there are obvious exceptions to this such as The Dark Knight, but when IMDB lists you acting in 378 movies then you’re bound to accidentally be in something good occasionally). However unlike Boll, his movies are often rubbish in a way that still entertains (like Sharktopus or The Expendables), so you really don’t care. However finding out that we had to watch a movie that not only had him as one of the leads but was also the last movie for Michael Jackson didn’t fill me with confidence as to this being one of his so bad it’s good movies. So was this a thriller or was it just going to be bad? (sorry)

Captain Maximus Powers (Eric Roberts) and his co-pilot Mike Saunders (Charlie Schlatter) are flying a plane load of beauty contestants on their way to the Miss Galaxy beauty contest. It gets into trouble and crashes, marooning its passengers on a desert island. Being pampered beauty queens, most have never had to fend for themselves and have to learn how to survive in the wild. Unfortunately things get worse when they discover that the island is home to a giant prehistoric pig (Jurassic Pork) and also Noah’s Ark, which some highly evolved talking apes are trying to relaunch and use to enslave the human race. Oh and then Michael Jackson turns up as Agent MJ in a hologram projected from a robot sent by the Vatican. Perhaps if they didn’t scrape the bottom out of the barrel when trying to come up with ideas for this movie they could have used said barrel to escape from this island hell…

Not only am I getting sick and tired of watching what is essentially the same spoof movie over and over again, but now I have the discomfort of watching a man who was twice accused of child sexual abuse (even though I know he was found not guilty (first case settled out of court for $25 million and second acquitted by a jury), this is still the one of the first things I think about whenever Jackson’s name is mentioned), playing an agent for the head of the Catholic church, which lets face it have had so many child sex scandals that they make it look like Salo (or 120 Days of Sodom) and Lolita are used as a training tools for priests.

This movie was due to be released in 2004, which was right in the middle of the investigations of the second allegations. Due to the negative publicity for the movie, it eventually led to the movie not getting a general release until after his acquittal. This was obviously an issue at the time, but the problem with somebody so high profile getting accused of anything scandalous, no matter whether they are found innocent in a court of law, is that those allegations will always be something that people remember. Like the time that Steve McFadden (Phil Mitchell in Eastenders) was caught dogging or when Hugh Grant was caught with prostitute Divine Brown. These are the things I immediately think of when I hear their names, no matter how long ago it happened. So I personally found this to be a bizarre choice in casting.

As for the rest of the movie what is there really to say that I haven’t said in every other review that I’ve done of a spoof movie? Well I think one thing this movie did differently to many of the other spoofs out there is it decided to directly take on one of the greats, Airplane, which is a ballsy move that even Airplane 2 struggled with. Thankfully the plane crashes into the see within 20 minutes and from this point the movie then decides that they’re better off trying to be as funny as that other famous airplane movie, Alive. They don’t even succeed doing that.

Honestly I think this movie is better than a few we’ve seen on this list, if only because it did have a couple of ok jokes. The Green Mile parody of a man called Cappuccino (like the drink, only spelled differently) made me smile as did the girl who misheard “six cents” as “sixth sense” which led to the obvious gag (and a chance to shoehorn Charlie Chaplin, Elvis, Marilyn Monroe and Groucho Marx look-a-likes into the movie, which make me think that maybe writer and director Bryan Michael Stoller may own a look-a-like agency, as I see no other reason for their inclusion). They also manage to get a look-a-like for Austin Powers (see!) that looks and sounds like the character, something that Meet The Spartans never managed (see here). However a few laughs in a movie that supposed to be quick-fire laughs is like occasionally finding a nice piece of sweetcorn in a wedding banquet of shit (if you’ve not seen Salo, then these references really must be going right over your head today).

Most of the other jokes fall so flat that even Galileo would just shake his head and give up. As for the acting this movie makes me wish we were back watching Madonna trying to show that Wilson from Cast Away wasn’t the most lifeless character to ever get marooned in a movie (see here). I don’t really expect much in the way of acting from these kinds of movies, but the people in this movie are as poor as when contestants in The Apprentice have to make and star their own video. The fact that the jokes are on that level too really doesn’t help matters. Saying that, Eric Roberts does show his acting experience and doesn’t come off too bad (playing the lothario captain actually seems to suit him).

I’m honestly getting totally sick of watching so many pointless unfunny spoof movies for this list. When will those people commissioning these movies realise that the reason that Airplane, Naked Gun, Spaceballs etc were successful and are hugely watchable decades after being released is that they were written by people who could write a good joke and acted by people who could deliver the lines properly. If a spoof movie can’t make you laugh like a hyena in a nitrous oxide factory then it’s really failed at its only reason for existing in the first place. Whilst it’s clear that this movie was never in contention for winning an Oscar, I do feel it could have won the Miss Galaxy contest itself if it only put on a sash that read Miss The Point, as sadly that’s all that it does.