# 53 Popstar (2005) (Colin)

I have to admit, I thought the next movie, when I heard the title, was going to be some pop-fuelled X-Factor style nonsense, based on someone using a crappy reality TV show to launch a pop  career and succeeding despite the odds.

It’s fair to say I am not a fan of Simon Cowell’s manufactured money over talent karaoke contest and was a firm supporter of getting Rage Against The Machine’s ‘Killing In The Name Of’ to Christmas No. 1, (fuck you I won’t do what you tell me! Oh hang on, I downloaded the song like they told me to…..), so I was dreading this movie.

However, it turns out that this movie is not an X-Factor tribute as the main character of the show already has a successful pop career but must pass a Maths exam in order for it to continue, (who’d have thought knowing how many apples you are left with if you take 2 away, was needed to successfully churn out bland manufactured crap?). 

When it turned out that the main ‘actor’ was Aaron Carter, (the brother of Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys and before you say anything, my wife told me this, I still have no idea who or what any of these people are!), my heart knew we’d be in for 90 mins of ‘pop’, music which I hate with a passion.

I’m quite open minded and will listen to pretty much any sort of music, but for me music stopped being produced at the end of the 90’s and nothing of any note has happened since then, (with the exception of Foo Fighters, Gorillas and some The Offspring).

But hey, maybe I’m wrong.  Maybe I should give this type of music a chance and maybe, just maybe a decent pop music movie could be made without my ear drums bleeding as a result?

I saddled up my pig, prepared for take off and watched the movie……..

JD McQueen is a world-wide Popstar who doesn’t know his 12 times table.  His mum, Faith, (Deena Dill), is concerned by this and so sends him back to High School in order to pass a Maths exam which will show the world he know what BODMAS means.  Faith knows that being a Popstar will not last forever and that a sound education may help him find a proper job and avoid going to the Australian jungle to eat a Kangaroo’s foo-foo live on TV.

The female student’s pulses race when JD turns up for his first day at school and none more so than super fan, braces wearing, budding writer and nerdy Maths whizz, Jane, (Alana Austin).

Jane is paired with JD in order to help him pass the Maths exam and they become friends.  JD gives Jane a mobile phone so that they are always in touch and can arrange to meet up in an area which becomes known as their ‘special place’.  Where is this special place?  Next to a beautiful waterfall?  A 16^th century cathedral?  At the base of a beautiful mountain?  Nope, a grotty picnic bench balanced precariously on a mound of sand!

Coming to their senses they decide to have more fun and go for a spin in his Porsche, (admittedly, painting a beige wall beige would have been more fun) and Jane likes it so much that JD buys her one.  Jane then starts to date JD, which I am sure had nothing to do with the pricey gift.  Jane also becomes very popular at school which I am also sure has nothing to do with owning a pricey car or dating a millionaire.  It’s all just a wonderful coincidence and the movie is not full of one-dimensional shallow idiots.  Ahem!

JD no shows for the first maths test and when confronted by Jane he vomits.  When JD then declares his love for a girl named London, (Nicki Foxx), on national TV, Jane decides she’s had enough and dumps JD.  She promptly returns the mobile phone he gave her, (but not the Porsche for some reason).

She immediately has second thoughts and when she is invited to a music awards show in which JD is miming performing, she agrees to go along.  JD’s manager, Grant, (David Cassidy), takes Jane to buy a nice new dress, Jane also has her braces removed and now looks less of a minger.  But, horror of horrors, on the day of the awards show, she gets a zit!  Dum dum dummmmmmm!

As JD’s eyes never venture north of Jane’s neckline, the zit is not an issue and after the awards show, they share their first kiss, (Ahhhh! *pukes into bucket*).

JD takes the 2^nd Maths exam only this time he copies Jane, (he wouldn’t have been found out but he put his name as Jane and wrote I *heart* JD on his exam paper).  Jane is furious and thinks this has been JD’s plan all along.  JD tries to explain that he only cheated because he has a fear of tests, (testophobia).

Jane does not buy his testies phobia excuse at first.  But then she remembers JD spewing when the last Maths test was mentioned and after a quick Google, (followed by looking up Testophobia in a search engine), she realises JD is telling the truth.  She manages to convince the Maths teacher and he agrees for JD to re-sit the exam.

A nervous JD manages to focus on a situation in which he is confident and thrives, that of being on stage lip-syncing singing his new single.  It works and he passes!

We end the movie with JD singing as Jane lovingly looks on.  They share a kiss and Jane goes on to write her first book which is based on the story told in this movie, (a dead cert for the Pulitzer Prize, I’m sure you’ll agree).

I don’t know about you, but I find a movie about Maths exams incredibly exciting and I really hope they make a sequel, only this time, can it be about an English exam in which JD only has 1,500 words in which to compare and contrast 2 Shakespeare sonnets?

OK, I’m being sarcastic, (well d’uh!), this movie is not for me and in fairness I don’t think the target audience for this movie is a fat, grey haired, late 30’s idiot who has decided to spend his precious free time watching bad movies.  I get that it’s aimed at teenage girls, but that being said, I think even they would agree this is a terrible, terrible movie.

Firstly there’s Aaron Carter, who, from what I’ve learnt, did not enjoy a very successful pop career.  I have to say I am not surprised.  It difficult to judge his voice as he does not sing ‘live’, (which for a movie is not unusual).  However, it is also difficult to judge his voice on the pre-recorded soundtrack as there is so much auto-pitch and auto-correction going on, none of his actual voice can be heard.  From what I can tell, Aaron Carter sings like a pissed Dalek in a Karaoke contest.

Then there’s Alana Austin, who has braces on throughout the majority of the movie and seems to have lost the ability to speak.  She sounds like David Bellamy gargling a medicine ball.  But the main thing that bothers me about Alana is her character Jane and it’s something which is not her fault, but the lazy writers of this movie.

The movie is crammed choc full of clichés as the writers could not be arsed to create original characters.  The Prom Queen cheerleaders, the thick rimmed glasses nerds, the Jocks, and of course Jane, queen nerd with braces.

What riles me so much is that Jane, (or indeed Alana), is clearly attractive, but because she is wearing braces we all have to sign on to the fact that she’s ugly, not popular and that she’s going to be an egg head and outcast.  Why?  Why does the wearing of braces all of a sudden mean that society must treat her like this?  Because that’s how it is in High School?  Really?  If that is true, surely we should produce movies which says this is not cool and not churn out crap like this film which reinforce stereotypical ideas which leads to more bullying and misery for those unfortunate enough not to have perfectly straight teeth.

The second part which annoys me about Jane’s character is her sudden transformation into a beautiful popular person.  How was this achieved?  Did the students become less shallow, tolerant, easy going characters?  Did they see what they were doing was morally wrong?  Did a pang of guilt force them to change their attitude?  Nope.  She took off her braces, bought a dress and bagged herself a millionaire Popstar!

Not only is this view of High School life one-dimensional, but it’s also been done a million times before and usually much better.  Even the love story is just the typical formula of boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy wins girl back, boy loses girls again, boy wins back girl, Colin puts foot through TV and Colin sends the director the bill.

The whole movie just reinforces the belief that you are nothing until you own material goods, have lots of wealth and have bagged yourself a millionaire.  It may suit the so-called ‘Selfie Stick’ Generation which is all about me, me, me, but I’m not naïve enough to believe everyone is like that and I hope that the majority of those who watched it, realised this is just a bunch of outdated hooey.

I hope they realised this is not how you have to live your life, this is not how we have to treat others and this is not what you have to aspire to.  I hope they thought, ‘thank you Popstar for the life suggestions, but Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me’.