So with a shaky hand over my eyes I glanced down at the list and hunted for the next movie we must watch. I read it, re-read it, did my best dancing ever and cheered, we were finally back into 'B' movie Sci-Fi heaven!
Regular readers will know I do love a good (or bad, depending on how you look at it), Sci-Fi 'B' movie and that I am also a fan of the 90's classic show, Mystery Science Theater 3000. The next movie on our list featured on this show and so I knew I was in safe hands! What's good enough for the Satellite of Love, is good enough for me!
And so after several hot showers with bleach and a Brillo pad, I had managed to get 80% of the stench of Gigli out of my system. I was finally prepared to give another 'bad' movie a go.......
#71 Santa Claus Conquers The Martians
The Martians are worried about their children. Momar, (Leila Martin) and Kimar, (Leonar Hicks), are wondering why their kids are depressed, not eating their food pills and spend vast amounts of time watching TV. The children, Bomar, (Chris Month) and Girmar, (Pia Zadora), watch a lot of Earth TV, which I think says a lot about Martian TV. I am no expert on Martian TV, but I did see a clip from the 70's of the type of programming they have to offer and watching robots trying to make mashed potato probably gets boring after a while.
They decide to consult the old wise man, Choclem, (Carl Don) as to why the kids are so unhappy. Choclem, who is a bit of a know it all, says he had seen this coming for many years, (but obviously did not occur to him to say anything. 'Just let the little gits suffer' seems to be his thinking) and that it is Mars' rigid structure which is causing them to be miserable. Apparently before they can walk, they are forced to work, have education pumped directly into their brains and have to watch Piers Morgan's Life Stories 5 times a day.
It's OK though, Choclem has an answer to their problems. To make them forget all about being forced to work underground for 18 hours a day from new born, they need to kidnap a fat bloke with a large sack. Yes, Earth's very own Santa Claus was needed to inject a bit of fun into their lives. This is good news to Kimar, he can cheer up his children and a happy child could work for 19 hours down the mine!
Kimar and his crew set off to Earth to kidnap Santa but when they get there they run into a small problem. As it is approaching Christmas there are a lot of Santas working in Malls, walking the streets ringing bells and getting pissed with their Christmas bonus. The Martians do not know which one is the real one and decide to kidnap 2 children, Billy, (Victor Stiles) and Betty, (Donna Conforti) in the theory that they will know the real Santa from the fakes, (they're not fakes, they're Santa's helpers. Right readers?).
So far we have had child slave labour, the kidnap of 2 children and a plan to abduct a fat old man! Happy Christmas Everybody!
Billy and Betty tell the Martians that the real Santa will be at the North Pole and not in Debenham's doorway with a brown bag of liquor and trousers smelling of piss. On arrival, Betty and Billy manage to escape and try to track down Santa to warn him about the Martian's kidnapping plans. Unfortunately they are attacked by a man in white pyjamas with a teddy bear for a head, (could be a polar bear, I'm not a zoologist) and whilst fleeing are capturing by the Martian's man in a tin foil cardboard box, (who may or may not be a robot, I'm not a robotologist), called Torr. They then steal Santa.
With Santa and the 2 kids safely on board the spaceship, they begin the journey back to Mars. It is at this point that we discover that not all of the Martians are particularly stoked about the idea of helping Santa. Voldar, (Vincent Beck), is a baddie and you know he is a baddie as he has a unfeasibly large moustache. He thinks there is nothing wrong with sending young Bomar down salt pit for tuppence a fortnight and does not want Santa to make it to Mars.
Voldar tries to kill Santa and the children by opening an air lock to send them into space. Voldar fails and is promptly locked in the ships prison where he is guarded by a halfwit called Dropo, (Bill McCutcheon). It takes Voldar about 2 minutes to outsmart Dropo and to escape. Personally I'm surprised it took that long, Dropo is as bright as a broken 2w energy saving light bulb in a black hole.....during a power cut.
Upon arriving on Mars, Santa builds a toy factory and Billy and Betty help him to make toys for the Martian children. Santa meets Bomar and Girmar and starts ho-ho-hoing rather a lot. Bomar and Girmar find the laugh infectious and join in with him, which is the first time they have ever laughed. This is supposed to be a pivotal moment in the story and a joyous occasion, but Santa does go OTT with the ho-ho-hoing and to be honest, the tone becomes sinister and surreal and I can now add Santa Claus to clowns, spiders and Pier Morgan to the list of things that gives me the hebee gebees.
Dropo, finding Santa Claus' spare suit and fake beard, puts them on and visits the factory. He fancies himself as a bit of a Martian Santa Claus and decides to make some toys. However, Voldar and his henchmen, Stobo, (Al Nesor) and Shim, (Joe Elic), had planned to kidnap Santa Claus and to hold him hostage so as to get this silly Christmas thing dropped. Off course this means that they actually end up kidnapping Dropo. Unaware of this, they flee and on the way out of the factory tamper with the toy making machines.
When Santa returns to the factory, the toys produced are shocking, (and available at a 99p store near you) and he realises something is up. Voldar bursts into the factory to have it out with Kimar but does a double take thingy when he sees Santa and realises he's kidnapped the wrong moron.
Intent on revenge, Voldar gets out his death ray gun but is beaten back by the force of Billy and Betty's bubble producing guns, (?) and small plastic toys and it is not long before he is arrested. Santa is safe, the toys are produced and the children of Mars enjoy their first Christmas, (hooray). Kimar, realising that the children are now distracted from their futile existence, quietly drops their dental plans and health insurance.
Billy and Betty now become sad and Santa explains to Kimar that they really should return to earth. Kimar is reluctant as it means he may have to explain why 2 new pit employees have gone missing and because Santa may go with them. Santa tells Kimar to fear no more, as Santa has been so impressed with Dropo acting like a tit with the red suit and fake beard, he is confident that Dropo would make an excellent Martian Santa.
Kimar agrees, Billy, Betty and Santa return to earth and both planets enjoy Christmas forever. The End and as the song title for the movie says: 'Horray for Santa Claus'!
This film looks very dated, it probably looked dated back in 1964 when it was first released, but it really has not stood the test of time. Rather than looking like a movie the whole thing has the feel of a very low budget 60's kids TV show. That, however, would be an insult to 60's kids TV shows as Lost in Space looks like Avatar compared to this movie.
The set is very wobbly and recycled in more ways than one. If we ever did decide to conquer Mars, then all we would need to be armed with is a stiff breeze to bring down all of their major cities. The North Pole looks suspiciously like the Mars set but with dandruff and if Santa had refused to join in, the Martians could have used Pantene as a threat.
The movie has a very stereotypical vision of the future for the 60's and lacks imagination or thought. The Martians, for example, are in crash helmets with flexible pipes and TV aerials protruding from the top. The language used tries to sound futuristic, but sound prehistoric. The TV, for example, is called the 'Video Set', the camera is the 'Magniscope' and every instrument on the spaceship is set to '3rd power'. If someone from the 19th century had managed to travel to the future, they would have laughed at how ancient this all sounds!
As briefly mentioned earlier, the 'polar bear' looks bloody awful and is clearly a bloke on all fours. The robot is even worse and looks like a school project with tin foil, PVC glue and macaroni. This is made more humorous when Santa takes one look at the robot and proclaims that it is well made. On the basis of that, I don't particularly want any toys from his factory as the teddy bears will probably have a spike for a neck, toys cars made from lead and dolls which spontaneously burst into flames!
The acting, as you would expect, is not up to much. Kimar has more ham than a pig playing Hamlet in Hamburg, the baddie Voldar is camper than Graham Norton in a tent and Santa Claus laughs so much he actually becomes sinister and quite scary.
So the film is dated, stereotypical, looks and feels cheap, has a shaky set and the actors can't act. Off course, this means I absolutely loved it! It is brilliant and all of the warmth and unintentional humour which was so missing from The Horror of Party Beach, is back with abundance!
I love the moment when the TV reporter, upon interviewing Mrs. Claus who was frozen in time whilst Santa was kidnapped, claims she has 'postively identified the kidnappers as Martians'. This is done so seriously that I wonder how she had positively ID'd them? Was she shown other aliens?
Police: Vogons?
Mrs Claus: No.
Police: Klingons?
Mrs Claus: No.
Police: Cybermen?
Mrs Claus: Gosh, no, way off.
Police: Well can you describe them then?
Mrs Claus: Yes, they were green, had TV's on their heads and looked a lot like The Great Gazoo but taller and a lot less annoying.
Police: Ah Martians!
Mrs Claus: That's the ones!
(Incidentally, it's quite funny when Betty points to the aerials on the Martian's head and asks if they are walking TVs).
There are also 'dad gags' which I love, such as 'What's soft and round and you put it on a stick and you toast it on a fire and it's green?.......A Maritan Mallow!' and Dropo insistence that he is not lazy and always asleep, but had forgotten how to sleep and was just practicing.
I love the fact neither Santa Claus or the earth children are appalled when they hear that the Martian children are sent to work as soon as they can walk. Or the fact that the writers felt the need to invent a Martian month called 'Septober'. Or that Kimar suggests to use 'sleep spray' on their children as they can not sleep, (erm, try warm milk first). And how the Martians only use the radar block on their spaceship after they have already been spotted.
Oh and that the character's name Momar, sounds like a lady garden.
The best unintentional funny part for me is actually at the very end of the movie during the credits. The film begins and ends with a very catchy tune called, 'Hooray For Santa Claus', which is sung by a sugar sweet all American nuclear family children. The funny part is because of the children's accent, 'Santa' become 'Santy'. Therefore at the end of the movie, they spell out Santa's name like so: 'S.A.N.T.A C.L.A.U.S' and then conclude with 'Hooray for Santy Claus'. Subtle I admit, but it did make me laugh.
In conclusion then, I think that whoever compiled this list was an idiot, (which as it was me, I can indeed confirm). How a movie like Santa Claus Conquers The Martians can be higher up the list than Gigli, or Inchon!, or The Conqueror shows how subjective such lists can be and I would not be surprised if we encounter a few more gems along the way.
Back to Santy Claus though and I can not recommend this movie enough. It is on YouTube currently and if you liked Plan 9, MST3K or bad B movies in general, then you will not be disappointed. So grab your bubble gun, put a TV aerial on your head, crawl on all fours like a Polar Bear and sing along to the catchy theme tune, (the words are on screen at the end of the movie, so no excuses!).......
'Hang up that mistletoe
Soon you'll hear Ho Ho Ho
On Christmas Day
You'll wake up and you'll say
Hooray for Santy Claus
S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S
Hooray for Santy Claus'
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